The Hellfire Dispute

I'm in a bit of a dilemma.  On the board, the post count reads 665.  It's not like when you're in a store, and the priced comes to a penny more, where an extra cent you can drop and feel that you've avoid eternal crime.

It's not like you can, as pat does know, just skip the floor or house number or apt. building altogether. Go 667 to 668, like they do with Area codes, skip around, where they see fit.

I'm truly disturbed by this.  Well, ok it's not the only think that disturbs me.  But it is the present dilemma I cannot solve.

Dear Blogger
For all the torture
For all the pain
Where so many
Bloggers couldn't
Properly read posts name
Please, within your heart
Let me skip this numbered post
I'll be fine
knowing there's a whole in the timeline
After all,
Who's to say there's not one already-

So, Blogger won't answer
It's right up it's alley
but one might think
this number it finds holy

But I have figured it out
A two fold solution yet cheating none the less
I'll post two here right now
Then post two more
That makes 4
But really 3
But after this 2 as one is sent
Only 1 will show
So by immediately posting 2 more
I'll have only felt the brimstone for a second or so

NO. YOU CANNOT CHEAT THE DEVIL
Fire flames and burning screams
Infiltrate the nostrils and singe the hairs inside
YOU WILL VACATION ON THE RIVER STYX
YOU'RE UP HELL'S RIVER WITHOUT A STICK

you treat it like a holiday
with Caron's picture posted all over the place
On flyers with some sultry scene
Chained porn-stars and banquets of your favorite food
All the things you've always wanted
Just a sin away
ALL CAN BE YOURS
FOR THIS LIMITED TIME
All you have to do is take the devil's offering
and go on this BRIMSTONE HELLFIRE HOLIDAY

YOU CAN'T TRICK FATE

Well, now you're getting a bit out of hand here
I know you're the lord of the underworld and all
but those stupid movies are not something to scare me with
You can do better than that
Now they are scary, but not in the way you are using them

Oh Cerberus, now that's a better try
But I've played poker too many times
to not have learned, just don't smile
and you'll forever be immune to stone-

3 heads and all your hound shall try
destroy everything sacred
All the good in me-whatever's left of it anyhow
But I carry snausages with me at all time
Dogs can't resist them
Even ones that live in Hell

Oh, but I'll run out of them- quite possibly-
But guess what- I'm smart, creative and I think quick-
ARE YOU TO TELL ME THEY"LL BE NO BONES DOWN THERE

Bones are the next best things to sticks- and I'll toss it into the river and dogs, I love, but they can be dumb-hellhounds are not immune to canine inadequacies.

So you'll get the rest of your minions, too many to list by name- but I've seen my fair share of movies to know you're son hates you- It's well documented- so don't even try to disagree-

There's the comic book one and even your runt, yep... little Nicky...

So I think my plan will work quite well
Pass on your travel agent's offer
Pass on all the pleasure that you tempt
Pass on the lovely meeting with your pet
Pass on the number to which you place before me now

WHAT IF I OFFERED YOU IMMORTALITY, ANYTHING ON EARTH THAT YOU DESIRE- JUST FOR YOUR SIGNATURE HERE.  SIGN HERE NOW

Nope, because I guess you either don't listen or are just too dumb- I've told you I see all sorts of movies, read all types of books, and yep some of them be comics, and a whole bunch of mythology.

So, you see if I did sign away my soul, I know you'll find a loophole, or distort your "grace".  Best case scenario a reaper I become.  And I hate diners, well not all, but I've never been that great with the living, I hate to think how I'd be with the dead.

And for my luck I'd be some new character where Rebecca Gayheart won't even be around for, it'd be that other actress, the one that took her place in the stupid movie.

So don't try to tempt me.

THEN, PLAY ME A SONG AND I'LL LET YOU PASS

hmmm... It worked for tenacious D

But still I'll pass.

AL PACINO

how bout that redhead

NO, NO, SHE'S NOT ON THE TABLE

Oh, we're negotiating now.  Just go. It'll be over very soon. One quick post.  Then another and Poof.

and how bout I try this threatening thing on for size... Yep.. I only need one.

If I hit this one key.

WHAT WILL THAT DO.

Well, my buddy Mike, he's on speed dial

MIKE, BRING HIM ON.

Okay.. ring, ring, ring, ring.  "You've reached the phone of Michael, I'm flying about today so I'll have to catch you later"

BWOOOHAHAHA LOL LOL LOL THAT'S THE BEST YOU GOT.  ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH LAUGHTER.  HAHAH BOOOWHHOOO

hold on, my phone's ringing

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.  ANY I WOULD'VE.

No, no you wouldn't it's on Vibrate.  I knew it'd be loud down here and didn't want to miss Ma calling me telling me the pizza's arrived.

Do you mind?

HAHHAHAH SURE GO AHEAD.

I flipped off the vibrate.  And the RINGTONE chimed:

"Who is like to God, Who is Like to God, Who is Like to God?"

WHAT IS THAT SOUND.

Should I get it.  Is there something you'd like to say.

YOU'RE FRIEND MIKE, HE WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE...

Yep, some of his buddies call him Archie.

NO.  TELL HIM YOU'LL CALL HIM BACK... I HAVE TO RUN SOME LOGISTICS.  PLEASE WAIT.

Fine.  "Hey Mike how you doing?"  "Nah, nothing big, just hang out by the phone for a bit, I may have a favor to ask...yep, if not see you on Sunday"

I have to admit, it was quite awkward, standing on molten rock, hanging out in Hell, waiting for the devil to decide if he should take my threat seriously or not.  It certainly does live up to it's billing, hottest place I've ever been, and yeah, the torture's real...they keep it on the down low, as to not deter and future residents, but it's here, a bit of the snoops will let you see for sure.

SO carmina burana kept playing over and over and over....

Finally the beast returned.

I TALKED TO MY PEOPLE.

...and

WELL, IT APPEARS AT THIS TIME...

...yes

WE'LL HAVE TO REJECT YOUR APPLICATION FOR RESIDENCY

...what?

YEP, WE'VE DECIDED WE'RE NOT SUITED TO TAKE ON THE POTENTIAL BAGGAGE THAT YOU MAY POSSIBLE DESCEND UPON US

you went and talked to your lawyers?

WELL OF COURSE, I'VE GOT A VERY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS TO RUN HERE.

Of Course you do.  I just figured Big Evil himself would be able to make a decision on his own.  Maybe I just call Mike up and you and your peeps can talk it over with mine.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

Well, Immunity of course

FINE. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.  I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOUR NAME AGAIN.

thanks, been a pleasure not doing business with you.


So there you go.  Post 66_  Now I've got a split second before he changes his mind and all you know what breaks loose