Teardrops dreaming, atop welled eyes,
Gently purging repressive scorn
Unable to accept the authored lies
Blind forgiveness, buried in denial’s plot
Broken heartstrings, repair its chord
Yet ire’s hidden beneath the clots
Poppy lids and puffed smiles
Caress the scabs; tally the score
Despite plain-view, rebuilds take a while
Love’s piercing song,
Thrust through skin, reaches the core
Sideways shifting short to long,
Love’s daggered song,
A craving misery yearned for
Hearts in mend stagger strong
Bruise atop bruise
Sword upon sword
Useless and used
From blade to hilt
An ethos of lore
Denial morphs to guilt
Heart's Excavation
Pulsing forth
A hollow Renovation
Was trying to figure out which piece to include for D'verse and their Open Link Night tonight. I have 10 poems I've yet to post and I tend to really, really like about 5 of them, so the decision wasn't easy. I've noticed that whenever I go on a writing spree, perhaps a dozen or so in a day, I get about a 50% like rate. The other 50% isn't necessarily bad, just a lot of repetition of theme etc.. Sometimes I'll save em' for later or just go ahead and post an entire day of themed pieces. If the pieces are just bad, I will either save for future redesign or off to the dungeon they go.
Anyhow, I chose this piece for the OLN because it has a few things going on in here. It started as a song, it's one of my rare pieces that completely follow a definite form/structure and well, it sounded pretty good when I read it aloud. See everyone over at the pub, I believe the doors open at 3pm.
Yeah it truly does have a song flow to it. Can see why you chose this piece. The rhyme just helped it flow along even more too. Went back and read it aloud too, even more of a song feel. Wonderfully done.
ReplyDeleteThanks Pat, you actually read it aloud, that's cool. Yeah set patterns of rhyme are needed in song IMO, unless you're doing something mainly instrument driven, in which case the repetition of the instruments is like a rhyme it's own. Glad you liked the piece, thanks again
ReplyDeleteI too love the lyric feel to your poem, great to read, and read again, and let the sound flow over you, really enjoyed this..thank you for sharing Fred!
ReplyDeleteIt's happy yet sad, sharp yet soft, and yes, lyrical.
ReplyDeleteA very nice read, thank you and thanks for the lovely comment on mine. :)
I think I'll need to look up Mola Ram to understand more of the content, but the language sings, for sure.
ReplyDeletei like how some of your rhymes flow over the patterns...it is very lyrical fred...nice piece...you got 10 stored away, you waitin on a rainy day?
ReplyDeleteKerryann, so happy to see you're able to comment today, same thing happened for me at Luke's tonight, finally got to leave a comment. Really glad you enjoyed the write, thanks again:)
ReplyDeleteDaudreamer, yes I think it does have each of those elements here, glad you enjoyed the piece. oh it was my pleasure, you write very well. Thanks again
ReplyDeleteMark, Mola Ram was the villain in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. If you haven't seen the movie, or not for a while, he's the guy that rips out the sacrifices heart. So just played off that a bit here. Glad you enjoyed the lyrical quality. Means a lot, thanks again
ReplyDeleteBrian, great party you've got going on over at D'verse. Almost couldn't put the pint down to check back here. yep, actually have about 13 now, Actually that's kinda funny, I usually stockpile them in case I don't feel like writing one day or two, at least I'll have something to post. But that hasn't happened yet. That's why some days you'll see three or four pieces and perhaps like that on consecutive days too. Just clearing out the bank so to speak. Glad you enjoyed the write. Try to bring my best for OLN, the standard of work submitted is amazing stuff, so want to represent:) Thanks again
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your words...though it is haunting and sad to me.
ReplyDeleteI have about more than 20 unpolished poems in my draft waiting for me to finish it. Sometimes I just leave it there until I feel its time to publish it. Since I am new in writing, my muse is still going strong... and one way to keep it going is to join prompts and challenges every week.
I have to say that I enjoy reading your notes too.
Happy day ~
sounds like your chose a good one. thanks for sharing your verse with us! :)
ReplyDeleteFred, thanks for the explanation of Mola Ram...that brought it all together for me. Nice flow and unforced rhymning structure. I'm guessing you are a song writer, correct?
ReplyDeletea very emotional, lyrical and softly flowing write fred
ReplyDeleteLove rhyme and rhythm perhaps most of all Fred, so this was an instant winner for me. Would love to hear it as song, and I find the thought of hearing even a melody to accompany this most intriguing. Thank you for another wonderful share! You are representing well! :)
ReplyDeleteHeaven, Really glad you enjoyed the write. The unpolished poems, I used to think it was only me with this "problem" but I've come to notice that many have similar "issues" I guess it's something that's probably universally relevant to all poets. I completely agree with you prompts, challenges, forms, even adhering to daily blogging all helps one's craft. I can't wait to read your work after you've been doing it awhile, as so far what I've read has all been very good. Thanks again for the visit and the feedback, always appreciated:)
ReplyDeleteSheila, Thanks for the comment, i appreciate it. Really glad you enjoyed the write. It is my pleasure to be able to share my work with all the other wonderful poets out there. Thanks again:)
ReplyDeleteVictoria, thanks for the visit and the feedback, really appreciate it. Glad you enjoyed the piece. As for the explanation, I'm glad you found it helpful, I actually was going to include it in the notes I left, but the inner movie geek in me incorrectly assumed that everyone would know, which I'm really glad it was brought up because it shows a lesson that we've all learned long ago, that not everyone is going to have the same experiences as you have had, which kinda goes without saying, however the main point is that when specifying things, outside of puzzles etc., it's good to make notes on the things that are integral to the piece, where others may not pick up the reference without explanation. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteI actually do write a lot of songs. But I've never sold any of them, most have been either listed down as a poem or converted to a poem or flash or something. Thanks for asking, i appreciate that. Thanks again:)
Claudia, Thanks for the kind words, really pleased you enjoyed the write. I really enjoy your work and just glad to share the stage with you and the other amazing talents on display over at d'verse. Thanks again:)
ReplyDeleteTash, thanks for the visit and the great feedback. Glad you enjoyed the write. Oh believe me you wouldn't want to hear me sing. lol. As with most songs they can be sung in a variety of fashions, with a variety of music to go along with it. Personally I sing, to myself, with either a slower paced guitar, acoustic, in mind for rhymed verse, allowing the rhyme to dictate the songs feel, but a lot of other songs I write I like writing for metal, seeing its my favorite genre by far, but in metal the rhymes take more of a backseat to the music, and the voices don't have to be perfect, but in so doing unrhymed verse can be made "catchy" using the tone and pronunciation we choose to sing the song too. Great little topical discussion here, thanks, i love talking about music so it's always a welcomed tangent here. Again, thanks for all you guys do at d'verse, again, so so much wonderful work on display:)
ReplyDeleteLove’s daggered song,
ReplyDeleteA craving misery yearned for
Hearts in mend stagger strong
This line really hit home for me. This is quite beautiful and with a great flow. Congratulations on a wonderful piece.
I sense a lot of heart break in this. The poppy lids and puffed eyes is mysteriously haunting.
ReplyDeleteI know about unpolished poems too, I deleted a whole bunch of them a few days ago. Am optimistic new ones will present themselves!
Great to meet you via dVerse.
California Ink, Thanks, Really glad you enjoyed the piece. It's especially elating to hear that one of your writes hits home for the readers, thanks so much for sharing that. Thanks for the visit
ReplyDeleteJannie, Thanks for the visit, really glad you enjoy the poem, and yes it is great meeting new people, whether through diverse or in other ways. Perhaps sometimes it is best to discard the mass of unusable material, I'm a bit of a pack rat though, always carrying the feeling around that one day, somehow I'll find a use for the misfit poems. Thanks again for the feedback, always appreciated:)
ReplyDeleteI like the way you have written this poem, Fred - the structure, and ofcourse, the subject.. I have read many poems on hurt and heartbreak, but the length of lines in this one really appealed to me! The first few stanzas (where the lines were longer) actually described the path towards a heartbreak, where one just begins to realize the hurt... and then the lines get shorter, and these lines are more like post-heartbreak, where everything seems abrupt, jerky, distressed...
ReplyDeleteIt's this method of your writing that really impressed me!! Very nicely done indeed!
By the way, I happened to read your 'about me', and I almost felt like I were reading something about myself.. :)
So, cheers to creativity, and cheers to logic!! :)
Excellent. I love so many of your phrasing here, and the imagery they provoke: "Blind forgiveness, buried in denial’s plot", "Love's piercing/daggered song," "Despite plain-view, rebuilds take a while". Strong piece.
ReplyDeleteKavita, thank you so much for the wonderful feedback. Really glad you enjoyed the piece. I'm glad you saw the piece in this manner as it really is as structured as you point out. I tend to lessen the structural elements to a lot of my writes, but here I framed it, decided on how to tackle it, and went from there. Really pleased you saw beneath the words, thanks, i appreciate that:) Glad to hear that about the about me similarity, I just think that's a super compliment in itself, for me. Logic and Creativity, yes Cheers for sure
ReplyDeleteStephen, thanks for the feedback, really enjoy your work, so great compliments here. Glad you liked the piece, it was a lot of fun putting together, but I can say that about writing in general so, well anyhow, Thanks again:)
ReplyDeleteYet ire’s hidden beneath the clots
ReplyDeletePoppy lids and puffed smiles
Caress the scabs; tally the score
Biting lines in a tight write (thanks too for the explanation because I assumed your were talking about the Indian painter and couldn't connect the dots, villian ripping out hearts, now I'm hearing you on FM).
Chroma, glad you enjoyed the piece. hmm. gonna have to look up the painter now, I love art, probably seen his work, but I'm terrible with names. Thanks for the visit and really liked your piece over at your site, really good work:)
ReplyDeletefantastic....
ReplyDeleteGreetings, Glad to Meet!
We are starting a poetry community at a Garden Setting, our week 1 writing theme is
“Adam and Eve” ,
Please check out our site and prepare to participate, 1 to 3 poems are welcome!
The Poetry Picnic is open Sunday, 8pm, American Central Time!
Hope to see you share your delicious poetry with us.
Bless your weekend!
xoxox