Painting with the lights turned out
I wander stroke to stroke
Above, below the canvass sheet
Determined to visualize with my mind
I wander stroke to stoke
Pent up aggression enabling
Determined to visualize with my mind
Painful flavoring of disarming thoughts
Pent up aggression enabling
Ghosts of tyranny spinning into crisis
Painful flavoring of disarming thoughts
To a nightmare I awaken
Ghosts of tyranny spinning into crisis
Words like rain, shunning lightning
To a nightmare I awaken
Heart rate stable, alarm bell rings
Words like rain, shunning lightning
A burden, a journeyed path
Heart rate stable, alarm bell rings
The same time each day
Very nice :) A little bit of a twist on the nightmare, awakening to one is even scarier, I think. I like that. Really enjoyed reading, and thank you for your kind words, too.
ReplyDeleteLori, really glad you enjoyed it. Most of my work has little quirks, twists or obscure references here and there, but I do so love this form and glad I got to share this one. Really appreciate you got to read it and that I was able to read yours and all those submitted at D'verse, it truly was my pleasure. Thanks again and for leaving your feedback, really appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteha...darn alarm clocks...in the new world they will no longer exist...some scary nightmares there too...smiles. my heart rate may not be stable with all that pent up aggro...nicely done to form fred...you played it well...
ReplyDeletea cool and free version of the pantoum fred - i really enjoyed your word play and the original twists - Words like rain, shunning lightning - this line inparticular stood out for me - good work - i love your blog background
ReplyDeleteA nightmare riddled with the ghosts of tyranny is quite an intimidating journey!
ReplyDeleteInteresting here, the liberties you took. This form allows a lot of variations (probably not in the original language though -- but as we got it from the French - c'est la vie).
ReplyDeleteI, personally,prefer tying it up as the outline prescribes. Although it's no fault not to, as Baudelaire did vary the end as you did. There is definitely something symmetrical and pleasing, though, to repeating the opening line at the end.
Nonetheless, a very effective poem through use of language and repetition.
I still have to try this form so thanks for showing me how its done. Though I am not dipping into this one for now.
ReplyDeleteLike this line: Words like rain, shunning lightning
Happy day ~
I wasn't expecting the ending - the last stanza really has a punch for it to end on. Well done.
ReplyDeleteyes life is sometimes
ReplyDeletea bit like painting in the dark
Words like rain...I like that although I never remember words in my dreams, only images and I can definitely relate to the nightmarish ones! Painting with the lights turned out - what a great description of dreaming - very unique.
ReplyDeleteLove the dark, Fred! I find this form to be quite sing-song with the repeating lines, so the addition of the dark muse added even more depth to the form...a wonderful poetic adventure! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI've finally found you, Fred. Thank you for your many comments at my place which I could not trace back to you.
ReplyDeleteI like that you've written a pantoum without rhyme--it works surprisingly well. Your images are strong enough to carry the piece as each phrase cascades with a slightly different emphasis and nuance. Loved the irony of the ending as well.
Thanks again for all your visits and kind words. I am bookmarking you so I don't lose you again. ;_)
Reading, I felt a build up of dread, but it wasn't assuaged when I got to the end. Maybe the form spun me too much! Great poem, very well formed in the pantoum :-)
ReplyDeleteIntriguing, and the ending very dramatic in its unexpectedness. Like everyone I've read so far, I think you do pantoum very well.
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone who read this piece. The Pantoum is one of my favorite forms and it was a great time reading everyones work. Glad to hear so many enjoyed this piece, it truly means a lot to me, thanks again
ReplyDelete