Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Furlongs Past Fatigued


Upon the ragged tundra, a million laps begin,
where hackneyed sins, force weight to future stakes,
embellishing their takes, commingling deception with fact

Chimney-black, the hearts oft dance
in charcoaled ignorance—where ignobility dines
upon the earliest defined, inhibitions unkempt

while hope tempts us to believe in our truths,
It only takes but a single proof—the smallest of reservations
to incite the darkest of desperations—our breath and blood disturbed

By filters unnerved— drained and strained but dirty still,
to the brims each were filled—but none the pretty things can stay
as only fractures remain—powerless, inert

Upon the ragged earth, a trillion strides hinge
where hackneyed sins, distort the future stakes
embellishing the penances man makes—in whole or asunder

*******************************************************
I thought I'd play around with forms.  Not sure if this is an actual form or not, but what I did was: 15 lines with a structured rhyme pattern

a b     d e    g h    j k    m b
b c     e f     h i     k l    b  c
c d     f g     i  j     l m   c  a

Last word links back to the first half of the first line in the first stanza

Anyhow thought I'd do something a bit different this week for Open Link Night.  Doors open up shortly, at 3pm.  So head on over to D'Verse for some amazing poetry, and while you're there, share a poem of your own.  Cheers

21 comments:

  1. I confess, I know nothing of form or structure Fred but, I do know what I like to read and what flows. This is lovely. Where would we be without hope. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. nice...i like the playing with the form...and i much like the thought of actually inventing a form... luke prater did this with his octain...you can as well...smiles...great rhythm to the poem...esp. loved..Chimney-black, the hearts oft dance
    in charcoaled ignorance—where ignobility dines
    upon the earliest defined, inhibitions unkempt...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love the interwoven rhyme pattern you've come up with here! Very nicely done :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh dang man...you make my head spin with form, though it is enchanting to read...we have our truths until such a time as proof...ha i like that...doubt can surely creep in and wreck the ship....

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like the starlight background with this poem. I feel the million laps and the chimney black dance.

    ReplyDelete
  6. uh oh! we got our selves the PP (high) Octane... i really like it fred - adds a smart shape to your piece -
    and evens it all out nicely... you've got some great lines in here - casting out a neat net of ambient reflection...

    filters unnerved— drained and strained but dirty still..
    one of many... love tundra - what a word...

    it feels solid fred and somehow calming (maybe its the pattern)

    cheers fred - and thanks for all your support on my blog - truly - it means alot :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Why not play with the form! Loved the stanza starting 'by filters unnerved'- the rhythm just bounced in this....Very creative, almost like, Mathis poetry! If there is such a thing!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fred...so much fun to read this outloud! The rhyme sneaks up on you, and before you know it, you're spitting the words like a pro...fantastic Poet!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nice ...these lines stood out...while hope tempts us to believe in our truths,
    It only takes but a single proof—the smallest of reservations
    to incite the darkest of desperations—our breath and blood disturbed.
    Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi Fred--I thought the form worked really nicely with all the internal rhymes--it gives the poem a certain stately musicality which works with your subject. The content makes me think somehow of Dante--all those circles-- K.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love working with forms as well as free verse. I have never seen this form before and now that I have, I want to try it myself. Love the interlocking rhyme that ties it all together. Name it and claim it. I do believe it is your creation. By the way, the ignobility line rocks. Love the poem and the form. Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  12. The rhymes(which function as interior ones the way you've set it up) are nice and subtle, and I had to reread carefully to find them, yet still they contribute a sense of increasing tension and somberness, as well as structure. I find it a lot of fun to play around with stuff like this. Nice job on the poem itself, also--like the ragged earth/tundra and numerical details circling at beginning and end.

    ReplyDelete
  13. 'By filters unnerved— drained and strained but dirty still,
    to the brims each were filled—but none the pretty things can stay
    as only fractures remain—powerless, inert'

    A lot of veracity in those lines; another hard-hitting write!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nice rhyme form you created here...

    I specially like these lines:

    It only takes but a single proof—the smallest of reservations
    to incite the darkest of desperations—our breath and blood disturbed

    ReplyDelete
  15. Always fun to invent a new form or use one, which ever the case may be as not many are known to me. I just rhyme away each and every day. Can do them though, just lazy I suppose or like the normal rhyme flows, as wouldn't want to confuse all the non poetry people I have at my sea, which is many. Okay enough of that rant, you surely pulled off a great flow at your plant. And wow going from a million to a trillion that is quite the feat. One could not even count that high in their lifetime if they started at one and counted every single minute of every single day of their life, random fact I suppose oh where my mind goes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Like the rhythm of this piece. You work so well with the rhyming scheme - quite a complicated task you set yourself, well achieved!

    ReplyDelete
  17. This flows so well, Fred. I definitely think it needs to be read aloud, or at least that's the feeling I get as I read through it two times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laurie,

      Thanks. I'd been meaning to start reading some of my work, but never could figure out how to do it here on blogger, so last week I opened up a wordpress blog, where it was pretty easy to embed. I did a quick reading and put it up there, in case you or anyone wanted to check it out.

      http://hobgoblin2011.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/furlongs-past-fatigued-spoken-word/

      Delete
  18. Great internal rhyming and flow here. I particularly like "By filters unnerved— drained and strained but dirty still." This is an awesome form; I'd definitely like to try it sometime.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This definitely has the feel of a poem with form, and that you devised it is just as cool. I always enjoy the way your poems sculpt a space for themselves in time, and this one is no exception.

    ReplyDelete
  20. These form poems you do are always interesting in both structure and topic.

    Sometimes, we do get excited, recklessly going into things. Our capacity for hope for the best outcome is great, at the same time we easily spiral all the way to the bottom when we see even a hint of something we fear. It feels like nothing can be made right after that.

    Enjoyed reading this.

    ReplyDelete