Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The 325 Rules you thought you never knew you didn't need to ever know

The first rule inherent to a properly working windmill

Two rules inherent to organizing chop-sticks

Three rules inherent to gardening scarabs from underneath molehills

Four rules inherent to disguising your dog as a tadpole on the thirty-second hour of the thirty-second day

Five rules inherent to indefensible paranoia

Seven rules inherent to those seeking a higher

Eight rules inherent to Stab-In-The-Back Wisdom

Nine rules inherent to Shark-Tank Sympathy

Ten rules inherent to remaining invisible while caught in a deluge of acid rain

Eleven rules inherent to universal clarity
Twelve rules inherent to bleeding fire from the coldest heart

Thirteen rules inherent to becoming a hitman in an organization so infamous that card sharks commiserate with clerics, pedophiles with politicians and where administrators of higher education facilitate just as much energy, on what’s possibly included in the ice cream truck salesman’s secret recipe for fudge freezy#3, as they do when one of their most promising pupils declares openly on her facebook account that she’s decided to drop out of school due to the fact that her twelve year old neighbor just made a billion dollars selling cigarette butts on e-bay.

Fourteen rules inherent to making contact with whomever answers the call

Fifteen rules inherent to watching the men who stare at goats without asking yourself what’s the point

Sixteen rules inherent to apologizing to the fine actors within the previously written rule while holding a wearing a piñata suit in the backyard of a rather large Christmas celebration composed of an uncountable number of Chihuahuan children.

Seventeen rules inherent to breaking up with your pet rock

Eighteen rules inherent to seeing phenomenon in every and all circumstances related to telekinetic memory loss and big stuffed yellow birds won fairly at the not-so-local amusement park

Nineteen rules inherent to disassembling an already disassembled automaton that got overheated during an unwinnable debate with a forklift over the value of accepting a million crates of oil in lieu of the million dollars that could be had by winning the then current lottery jackpot

Twenty rules inherent to standard deviation when the squares just cannot, under any circumstances, find it in them to be mean

Twenty-one rules inherent to eating three Quadruple cheeseburgers with bacon stuffed buns, without ever having to move your lips

Twenty-two rules inherent to becoming a bookie that specializes in giving odds on the National Paint Drying League championships

 Twenty-three rules inherent to losing one’s mind and then finding it, only to lose it once more

Twenty-four rules inherent to documenting the fallacies of gossips years after the rumors had been forgotten

Twenty-five rules inherent to thinking up some really stupid ideas, making rules out of them and getting people to read them


  1. haha...this is a rip man...if i could figure out 21 that might not be a bad one to learn...and the big fat yellow bird, lol...that may be my favorite one of you could really screw with us and take a few of these and actually do them...whats with all the rules man....

  2. LOL! You are right, I don't need to know these rules, but they made me chuckle.

  3. But my pet rock and I are sooo close. I could not stand leaving my pet rock that would be a shock. I'm in for $20 on the paint drying one too, I'm good for it, I'll pick the time with the lowest odds. I wish I could make a billion dollars too, that be very nice. hahha such fun and that last one just had to be given a run.

  4. Thanks for the big laughs but I can't let go of the six rules (are they to something super secret; why are they not here in sequence like the first 20 some-odd?) 'Seventeen rules inherent to breaking up with your pet rock' I think it's just harsh you can consider crushing her this way :). Oh and that last one, well all I can say is we're clearly suckers.

  5. Oh my goodness! It's way too early in the morning to be laughing this hard! very clever, Fred. Loved this!