Sunday, August 5, 2012

Past links to the Present Tense

Matriculating through a few dressers filled with past reminders can be quite the job.  Where you encounter so much clutter it makes you wonder why you save everything. Probably has something to do with the fear of one day being audited, where 7 to 10 years of stuff needs to be procured at a moment's notice, but still the effort needs to be put in place to keep the cognizant clutter to the minimum, so I eagerly find myself breaking the bad news to many of these sheets, forms and whatnots, that when put together, I wonder if compiled, would it be an entire tree, a trunk, a limb for sure though and I say, almost cheeringly,
"it's off to the attic for many of you," as I thumb
through old receipts, invoices paid, medical stuff and more…

There are some items I still use from time to time, so they'll make the
cut, remaining until there's no more staving the inevitable, magazines, a bunch of "membership" cards that stores force you to carry around in order to get a discount-always bugged me, still does, just list the sale price as is, it's not like those who forget their card aren't simply going to get the discount by simply asking the person behind or in front of them in line…

Anyhow, to the point, this cleaning effort, was well underway, when I caught site of a folder that said work reports.  It was one of those things that make you say hmm, and not in the C & C Music Factory kind of way, but like these things never existed before, and just now, your espying them, for the very first time

Only to completely remember each of them, the moment you delve deep within…

This particular folder contained 6 end of year progress reviews from the company I worked for 2 companies ago.  The reports were all glowing, brought back a proud smile to a face that's been frozen for quite some time, cheeks still hurt as I write this now, that's what happens when you don't smile enough…but I veer off and

BACK to topic.  Not to brag, but I was awesome at that job. My entire time there I received impeccable reviews from everyone I dealt with, from employees to contractors to vendors to co-workers and even the officers took their notice.  By my third year, my hard work was recognized, Employee of the year for an entire fortune 500 company, that's something, still have the award, but it's behind winter jackets and the like, deeply tucked away into the back of a closet that could use much more space…

Anyhow…these reviews reminded me of how I'd worked my way up, from a lowly 18K a year lower leveled manager and then, making 50+ by the time I left.  It stirred a sense of regret as well.  I should've taken notice of the way pro athletes handle their affairs.  You see, after I got the award, I guess, or so I heard, there was some unofficial ranking system that made it's way around from company to company in that line of work, and It seems I was highly regarded around the circuit,  explaining the numerous calls I received from competitors looking for my services.  Flattering as those calls were to get, I stayed loyal when I should've cashed in early, perhaps things would be different today…but,

anyway..there was a particular note on three of these reviews saying I had exceptional strategy for handling multi-operational projects simultaneously, a fancy was to say I was pretty good at multi-tasking, but without punctuation it also said I had outstanding skills, far superseding the expectations for the position in regards to my ability in time management…

When I reflect, I wonder what went wrong…well, I know, but I like to pretend I forgot, albeit for a moment, those are some damned sweet moments, ignorance is blissful, it really is.

But I reflect, to how things were then, to how they are now, where I can't seem to organize anything anymore, consistently finding myself lacking the time to accomplish things when my docket's completely empty 90% of the time.  I remember how I was able to do what I was able to do back then, and it makes my head spin today, where making my bed, or taking a bath instead of a shower are world-beating accomplishments…sad to see how things go, once that first turn of the spiral flows…

there still
the potential for
change, to
where the spiral
can swirl
back a-
round once

But that's the beauty of life, when something bad happens, and where it seems like nothing will ever work out again, there's still that ever-present possibility of things changing in an upward direction, no matter how impossible that may seem, the spiral does move in both directions, and one day, you may once again be moving with the positive motion instead of simply remembering how things were, and sadly connecting such events to how things are in the present tense.

For Poetics at D'Verse, where Brian Miller's hosting and prompts us to look back throughout history, picking either a character or event from our own, or from someone else's history.  I just love the theme and hope everyone heads on over to read what the rest of the poetic community composes for this week's Poetics.  


  1. wow fred..that is quite the story..very moving just like memories can be..but i love that you don't stop there even though things seem to look different at the moment... life can change so quickly, from heights to depths and the other way around just by the same speed.. love the hopeful closure and really hope that things go that upward spiral again

  2. After losing my partner a few years ago, without even knowing it, I had sunk into a deep depression to the point of where I would know things needed doing but, would sit on the couch and say 'I'll do it later' but later never came. Apart from the routine basics of life, I just wasn't functioning at all. So, I can so identify with all of this. We are always so much wiser... in hindsight Fred. If you had stayed in your job, you would probably have burned yourself out.
    I like how you end on a positive note too, about the spiral changing its course and going back up again. Yes!
    Enjoyed this look at a little part of your world Fred.

  3. i like the message in this...interesting how similar our stories are as well...less than 10 years ago i made a similar journey from low man on the totem pole to high up and now...and i wonder at it as took me there man...nice write...

  4. this life can turn some difficult corners

  5. Yes, agree with Claudia. These types of changes especially painful and often having nothing to do with one's self, but still really change one's life. Well done story. Good luck with it all. k.

  6. Very true, there is always the notion that things can get better, even though sometimes it is hard to see as you've been buried in so much crap for so long that you are just used to the smell and such. Remaining loyal has it's strong points too I guess, but I doubt I would have, more money is money for me, although yeah it isn't everything. Let's hope for many now a days the spiral goes upward again.

  7. Very immersive narrative, Fred. I know I've been there. I used to have a box with all the Employee of the Month, Year, etc stuff from every single place I worked and ran from screaming how I hated it after five or so years. Funny how that works. Now I have a job being human, the best 2.0 version I can ugrade to. ;-) The spiral, unlike the circle,really doesn't repeat and end in itself, like the serpent swallowing his tail. Especially loved the little flight of poetry in this prose time machine.

  8. have you thought of motivational speaking?

    that was very expressive. very well told, and also the audio. i liked it a lot.

    ust want to be an
    Olympic gymnast, but instead
    you’re Hades with a metal finger

  9. Funny. I feel the same way about membership store cards. Especially when they want me to sign up for one to get a discount right away. I reckon they just want my personal details and then to send me spam.

    I can relate to the bit about remember the different kind of energy that I had years ago compared to now.

    Love the concluding paragraph. Spiral moving in both directions, a feeling of interaction, chemisty, motion. Optimistic.

  10. I can relate to this right now as I'm cleaning out as part of our remodeling process. Amazing how "things" can take us back in time. And sometimes it's not so easy to let go.