Wednesday, October 24, 2012

8 Stages of Regret

I.  Cabinetry
An immobilizing strength plumbed within
Temples left, scarred and alone

Preservation devised a means to push, an
Imbalanced shelter for a defenseless front

Partitioned walls once deemed out of place
Have since become the only blueprints ever drawn

Interred within these assimilated cells, cage doors
Conceal the lost-not-found

And it’s only through the sheer chance of occasion; the hinges may swell and sing their voiceless tilts, shedding skin through the suffocated creaks entombed

II. Thesauri
So violent in the vagueness
In which consent first came undone
So vague in the violence
In which definitions first formed to tongue

The stillness of the songs etch, impressed upon
a hollowed heart—procuring a beauty—persisting
through the unconscious’ paining path of plight

Contusions stir to surface, clogging lines of flow,
Where curiosity catches a fevered glimpse and forever forward is impelled to know, what lies buried, beneath the indulgent purity of snow

III. Breaketh The Dam
Your voice says one thing
     But the eyes dictate contrasting truths
Your words are crafted toward recovery
     Yet innuendo simply spells out an angst swelled deep

Your tone quivers in subservience, yet impotence is a flurry never shown
                       Your outlines cast impressive angles, only to
Eclipse each thought betrayed inside
                                                           Your reassurances are calculated in their candor, yet errors appear as one’s amassing loss
                                    And if such loss rests sightless to the day, the night shall forever forage upon the schematics of those repressions cloistered deep
                           And eventually the levees shall break inside, flooding forth all things unknowing, elucidating every painful stamp left unsorted yet stacked in place

IV. Frozen Posture
Tension bristles the embryonic morn, prickling the cote with metallic shards of veil in scorn, collapsible dignity unfeigns before you here, chastising all memories as broken periods of circumstance—as having been built be demonic scribes and bards fictitiously flirting with the pangs within, damage, repeal, stain and scar

Curtailing truncation’s brutal lop,
A memory, fragmenting forth,
Beckoning penance for sins that
Devoured innocence

You seek forgiveness, yet the soul is untainted, never sullied was this will you own,
                  But fault lines need reparations, cracks random once, breed lengths aligned intent to swallow whole
                                                                        And you cannot forget what was never known,
 Remaining focused, solely upon the broken scabs, remnants that both betrayed and glued, joining together flesh and soul,
         Understanding there’s more here than even you could have known…

V.  What If
What if’s begin to flourish….and wonder you shall, persisting quizzically in such preponderances, refreshing, what image would appear anew
 The shine of the mirror’s gaze reminds what once was and how but that person now, is known, to have been but an effigy, a cursed twin, some Angel once took pity in

VI. Denial in a Time of Advancing Schema
It truly is remarkable, how far you’ve come since misfortune’s kiss shown through the prism’s glass
                                                      You forge forward without delay, yet one must wonder when the stalling shall impede, this admirable advance through such tumults and misplaced apostrophe

                                                                                          You admonish those with good intents, to cease their pity, for its not their love you’re searching for
                                    You chastise the resolute, for not even you yourself entirely remember every nuance of the painful truth
                                                                                            Your resolution is astounding, and yet such pride may be, just the food from which stagnation feeds
                                    There shall come a point where address this all you must, for if not now then when
                                                      You claim all is well, yet ignore we can’t as ire’s rise their flames at those that care; where arrhythmia distorts truth’s gait, emanating unrest in each the shattered pieces that remain left as whole

VII. Betrayals, Buried in the Garden of Time
There are so many things that can and will be said. There are secrets buried that never shall be revealed.  A pain like this is one that will gnaw and feast.  It is not something that can be tossed aside. Pretending that only by paying credence will you draw out it’s worst offense, is nothing but regrettable to the watchful eye.  And still, one can hardly blame one to become engulfed in such a betraying return to one’s true self…in fact, I can think of nothing else…the one you thought you knew is no longer living, instead they are replaced by some vulnerable wretch plagued by the remembered pasts ruins realigned.

And I, the one who has loved you all along, feel I have played my part in this betraying song.  Out of love I allowed the education of others to sway my inactions.  I left you as they remade you from your very ashes; I let you grow as some alternate version of who you are, yet, I did this out of love alone. 

But if I would’ve known that wall would break and that dam would crack, I’d have eased you along, slowly matriculating you back into a world that no longer is the safest place.

Yet it should be known, you are not the only one to suffer.  Certainly our pain is not comparable to what you must feel, but nonetheless it is so very much real.

I, for one, and I will only speak of the pain I known now.  I will not discuss the hurt that lived when you remained in that state of ignorance, no, I will not detail that time, for it is gone, it’s forever gone away. 

The here and now, is far worse than ever could I have imagined it to be.  For, when you arose from your slumber, you could not, and have trouble still, looking at me as you’ve always done.  There is, you claim, a resemblance between your villain and the image I portray.  I’ve changed my size, shape, hair and face, but somehow, that betrayer you see in me.

VIII. A Coda, A code
And what, you, follower of this regrettable tale, may ask, what happened to this villainous man, the one responsible for disrupting this woman’s peace and calm?

                                    This, is something I dared not dwell upon, but the question is begged, and therefore, I must appease…I feel guilty

For I knew she must face her attacker, they say it’s a step toward resolving that within…but
                                    I heard he was leaving. Only I knew it was he that committed such actions…For, if I never dallied as I had, I would’ve been where you’d expected me that day, and if I had been, none of this damage would’ve happened as it has.   Many have claimed that if I were a mere moment later than I was, she wouldn’t have survived. 

They mean well, yet I, as you do now, know better.  But I did espy, this demon.  I saw exactly who he was.  At first I knew not his name, but it was not difficult to uncover.  This, was all information I withheld, a secret only I held close.

So, such a day was forced upon me.  A decision had to be made.  It was a decision that could’ve gone in several ways.  I could have reported this man to the police, but he would have been released, this, I shall not delve further into, but this, I do know.  I could’ve tracked his future, keeping tabs for such a day as is now, where she could confront him for his crimes, and offer whatever justice she deemed fine.  But I could not bear watching him escape.  I couldn’t sleep knowing what luxuries his wealth could provide him elsewhere, while the one I loved is but a shell, a clone of who she once was.  This was not justice, no, not just at all. 

So I chose the path that such situations often come down to.  I cornered him and he knew.  He offered me the world, if close my eyes I would, allowing him to leave, to go away for good.  But this was much too kind.  And I did what I felt I had to do.  But to detail what took place those 72 hours, would be too graphic and cruel.  And so, I alone took away my love’s chance at confrontation…and this, while the revenge was sweet, it was not the feeling I felt it should’ve been, and now I cringe telling you about how I have behaved.

Now, it is I, and I alone, who seeks and prays, for an irrational sense of forgiveness to somehow cease the beat of such a painful malady.  But in truth, it is only you, I wish to see me as once you had.


  1. Phew. Quite the read Fred. Very deep. So much thought gone into this. There are so many lines which stood out but this one stayed:
    'Your outlines cast impressive angles, only to
    Eclipse each thought betrayed inside'
    There is so much we do in life which at the time seems right and yet later, we know it wasn't the right hing at all and then we have to learn to live with its regrets.
    I can see how this was several sessions. It must have been very emotional in so many ways too.

  2. Yikes - it all seems so well-measured - or at least in places - and then boom! But there is this kind of emotion in human exchanges especially involving love and a loss and a sense of justice. k.

  3. A lot to take in here - need to return at least once - what often strikes me (apart from the depth you achieve, philosophically, and emotionally), is the use of such contrast of format style in a single piece... including media other than written - video and audio- this is a monster.

    Fred I should say my blog is back up but stil blacklisted by Google. It's clean now but they can take some time to review it. I have quite a lot of work to do reposting the last 24 poems and upping a lot of lost images. I'll let you know when I start posting again. Thanks so much for your support thus far man

  4. wow dude, impressive...not just the length and what you are able to link together, but really like the performance of it as well...the reading is easily felt, this with emotion...well done...

    you just bumrushed my reader again last night so catching up a bit...

  5. Damn, that was huge, large, gigantic hahaha so much spread through out that the voices in my head are going on their own little trip trying to get a good grip. Like how you used the different formats at play and weaved it all into one big display. Basically a story it could really be too, amazing what you can do.